However for you younger and less Biblically literate Christians I would propose three ways in which you can determine whether your girlfriend is a True Christian or a harlot in sheep's clothing:
She tells your mother she's excited to be courting you because she will now have a date to the upcoming Creed-impression karaoke night. No amens over this brood of vipers who don attire not unlike the rest of the hedonists and seducers of MTV and VH1 and engage in the vernacular of the same.I realize many of you must be dropping your jaws in dismay and consternation at the notion that a True Messenger of God could be taken in by such Satanic shenanigans but my friends I must reiterate the fact that our adversary the devil walketh about as a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour every hour of the day and night and I might add that no one including King David or the Apostle Paul or even myself is immune to his wiley ways and will continue to need the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ to withstand the devil's continual assaults until that final day when he (the Lord not the devil) comes in the clouds to rescue us from this wicked world. Amen!
She claims that homosexuals are born that way and should be accepted by the Christian community as long as they repent of their wickedness and refrain from engaging in sexual relations with each other.
She reads from one of the new age Bible per-versions like the New American Standard or the New International Version instead of the Authorized 1611 King James translation.
Despite the regret and humiliation this failed relationship has caused me I am tickled to announce that Sisters Sara and Rachel and Brother Randall have no small supply of forgiveness and understanding and have agreed to help me repair the broken windows in our office and paint over the blasphemies and obscenities on the walls and hook up the computer and mimeograph and by Friday or Saturday we will be back in the business of leading souls to the Lord and reminding those who refuse His grace and mercy what will be waiting for them at the end of their lifetimes of sensuality and rebellion and substance abuse. Amen and I would appreciate it if this time those of you who are not Christians could keep your sacrilegious and profane comments to yourself.